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Little Spouse On The Prairie: Grocery Shopping Is Hard On The Ego

Valerie Brown-Kuchera

Teenagers can level a person, especially if that person happens to be their mother. Any time I start feeling a little self-assured, a bit smug, or even relieved that I made a halfway decent parenting choice, I can count on one of my teenagers to pull the smug rug right out from under me.

My oldest daughter and I went on a quick grocery run a few evenings ago. Each of us sojourned away from the shopping cart periodically to grab items, returning to consult our list. About fifty percent of the time, she would come back with something not on the list.

“I think we should try this mascara,” she would say. “I’ll bet it would really strengthen your thinning lashes.”

“Where are the eggs? Wait? What? Thinning lashes? Are my lashes really that thin?”

“Of course not, Mom. I just think we should try it. I got a tube for each of us.”

“Okay. Fine. Throw them in. Now go get the eggs. I’m getting dog food.”

My daughter plans to double major in music and psychology. I think she should skip the psychology, as she seems to have it all figured out. As I browsed the dog food selections, I couldn’t help but note that the golden retrievers on the dog food bags all had luxurious auburn lashes framing their dark, sympathetic eyes.

On our next rendezvous at the cart, Millie said in an emphatic voice, “I’m not changing your diaper. Ever.”

“Um. Okay?” I responded, completely dumbfounded as to what prompted this comment. Had she been distracted in the adult diaper section? “Why would you bring that up while shopping for eggs?”

“You just need to start exercising more. You need to get those triglycerides under control. I just saw an old lady that reminded me of you. She looked like she was about to poop her own pants.”

My first question about this was, “Who else’s pants would she poop? I mean, you probably could have just said she looked like she was about to poop her pants. You could have left off the adjective.”

“Mom -- drop the grammar lesson. I’m giving you fair warning. If it comes to diaper changing, you better hope one of your other kids will do it.”

“Maybe we should just go ahead and line up in-home care now, just to be on the safe side,” I remarked, with not a little snark. “You’re one to lecture about old age. You have forgotten the eggs for the second time. Now, please, go get them. And keep your eyes straight ahead. Whatever you do, don’t look in the hemorrhoid medication.”

On the third meeting at the cart, after I had successfully marked 12 items off the list to my lovely daughter’s one, she proudly held up a home hair color kit. “This,” she announced, “is it. This is the piece de resistance of our trip! We need this!”

“You want to dye your hair? But why? You’ve got such pretty hair.”

“No, Mom. This is clearly for you. See. The box says it’s great for stubborn grays. And, this kit also comes with a deep conditioner to help your simply ridiculous split ends!”

I have a hard time taking advice from a member of a generation who has never so much as licked a stamp or rolled up a car window – especially when I birthed said member from my body. Nevertheless, I added the dye to the cart and sent Millie out for cereal. Surely that wouldn’t be near any self-improvement products.

Meanwhile, I browsed the canned vegetables. Who would have thought that the Jolly Green Giant has such lush eyelashes? When Millie returned this time, she was carrying three brightly colored boxes of cereal and one brown one. She plopped the Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles, and Captain Crunch in the cart and handed me the brown box.

“Steel-cut oats with millet, triticale, and sorghum,” I read on the side of the box. “Promotes regularity. Millie – really? This sounds like something livestock would eat. I’m not spending nine bucks on this when I could just go grab a handful of stuff – for free – out of Grandpa’s grain bin.”

“Triglicerides, Mom. Diapers. It’s up to you. And can I get these cool markers?”

“I guess,” I said, dejected. “And throw in the triticale too.”

Host of Little Spouse on the Prairie, a regional comedy feature that airs Sundays at 8:35 a.m. during Weekend Edition.