Little Spouse On The Prairie: Antique Man

Nov 26, 2017

Little Spouse on the Prairie is the show where I poke affectionate fun at my husband, my kids, my home, and rural life, even though I love them all fiercely. Today’s sketch is called “Antique Man.” 

I love old things.  I love to imagine how objects have been touched and used over the years.  I believe they take on a patina that is more than just evidence of wear and tear.  When given the option between something that is shiny and new and something that may be a little shabby, but has stood the test of time and has lived to tell the tale, I will take the antique every single time. 

This is why I love my husband Joel so much (although I must admit, I prefer not to imagine how he has been touched and used over the years). My husband is 12 years older than me.  He’s a tall handsome man who is still lean, despite being elderly. 

Joel is so nice that he doesn’t even have to pretend to like other people’s children.  He really IS kind, and he fell hard for my act of being a good person. Even now, after we’ve been married for nearly a decade, he still believes I’m genuinely a sweet, good-hearted person, although I have accidentally dropped character on several occasions. 

There are lots of benefits to marrying an older man.  Joel has old-school manners.  He’s an incredibly hard worker.  He puts his family first. He’s a finisher. He’s killer in Trivial Pursuit, mainly since he lived through most of the questions.

Technically, Joel falls into the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation, along with my parents.  There are 77 million members of his generation.  Joel knows all but a couple of those.

Like other Baby Boomers, he is very impressionable.  For example, he didn’t even know he was a liberal until I told him he was.  I taught him how to text, and after he forwarded our grocery list to his boss – twice – he really caught on.  A typical Boomer optimist, his comment was that at least I hadn’t put hemorrhoid cream on the list.  As a cynical Gen-Xer, I felt it was my duty to point out that I had signed the forwarded list, “Your Sex Kitten.”

Joel now has grandchildren that are older than our Clementine.  He will be 70 when she graduates from high school, so we joke -- I hope we joke – that the parent section will need wheelchair access at the promotion ceremony. 

Joel started working outdoors before sunscreen was a thing.  And even after it was available, Joel didn’t catch on that the Marlboro man look went out in the late 70’s.  He didn’t take up the use of sunscreen until I started calling him “Bacon Neck.”  Initially, he thought this nickname was an indication that I wanted a little nibble.  I assured him that it wasn’t an endearment.  I like my bacon crispy; my men, not so much.

And then, I will be honest; there are some things that bother me about marrying a cradle-robber.  I read somewhere that women live eight years longer than men on average.  So I’m looking at 20 years of widowhood unless he dies old and I die young; either option scares the hell out of me!  And Clementine is looking at potentially having a father for a shorter amount of time than many people do.  Joel is such a very good father that this will be a sad shame for her. 

But, his hearing loss is as annoying as hell.  Maybe it’s because the hair sprouting out of his ears is forever getting too long.  And those weird yellow toenails.  What’s up with those? Maybe the 20 years of widowhood won’t be so bad.

One feature of this brand new show is listener interaction on social media.  I’d like to hear  from you about a different topic each week through the “In-House with Little Spouse” thread on Facebook.  The purpose of this forum is to share funny stories.  We’ll keep the chats respectful and positive - hopefully humorous.  The discussion topic for today’s sketch, “Antique Man,” is the “May-December” relationship.  What experiences do you have regarding relationship age gaps? Listeners need to hop online to the HPPR Facebook page or go directly to The Little Spouse on the Prairie Facebook page to get involved in the discussion.