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Little Spouse On The Prairie: More Snores

Valerie Brown-Kuchera

Today I am going to fill you in a bit more about my jack-of-all-snores, Joel.  Lest you think that the Andy Griffith theme song whistle is the only type of snore Joel exhibits, let me just tell you, he has a repertoire of noises that he emits after hours.  I am going to expand on the intervention I tried with the essential oils and then introduce you to the edge trimmer snore and the Bell X-1 snore.

I just know if my slumbering prince could get more oil-infused air up those nostrils, this would stop.  The diffuser does have an interesting spout at the top.  It rather reminds me of the tip of one of those nasal spray thingies.  If I could carefully apply the spout to each of Joel’s nostrils for a brief time, I might just solve this problem permanently.

I look at the clock.  It’s 1:17 a.m.  Historically, I haven’t made my best decisions after 10:30, but I really feel, since I read about nasal snorers on Google, and I read the entire essential oils brochure, I would be wise to go ahead with this.  After all, there’s no way I could try it in the morning because he will be up and not snoring (at least in theory) then.  I crawl out from underneath my warm covers.  It’s a bit dark, but with the moonlight shining through our window, I can function at 70 percent, maybe 60.

I shut the diffuser off in order to get things organized.  I’m not stupid.  I know you shouldn’t use electrical appliances with liquid in them in a non-standard way.  Lifting the diffuser with both hands for stability, I get it situated with the spout directly under his left nostril.  Carefully, carefully, I slide my index finger to the on switch. 

Unfortunately, that’s when Joel awakens.  Rather violently, if you ask me.  He is usually not this prone to drama. 

Snore #1: Edge Trimmer

Someone is trying to start the mower.  Or maybe it is the weed eater.  Yes.  The weed eater.  As I come out of the only good slumber I’ve had in a week, I hear another unsuccessful attempt.  It’s a vigorous purr, followed by rapid clicking.  Then silence.  Then another pull at the ol’ starter cord.  I’ve been wanting the edges trimmed for a few days, so this is good.  I just wish it weren’t . . . let me look at my phone . . . three a.m. 

Snore #2: Bell X-1

I’m concerned about sleep apnea.  They say Carrie Fischer died of the complications of sleep apnea.  That and cocaine mixed with heroine.  Joel’s snoring falls silent for such a long time, probably at least 60 seconds.  Holy Jesus!  Is he dead?

Oh, thank God.  He’s coming back with a disgusting gagging and choking sound.  Whew.  I thought I had lost him for about a minute there.  Okay.  Now he’s snoring loudly.  He’s okay.   

No.  He’s quiet again.  I put my face up to his to detect breathing.  I used to do this to my babies when they slept quietly for too long.  Please Lord.  I need this man to live.

WHOA! NELLY! My eardrums!  He’s always admired Chuck Yeager, but Chuck didn’t cause a sonic boom like this.  At least he’s okay.  Remind me to check for a pulse another way next time.

I wish it would stop.  I’d like to go to sleep.  If I go to sleep now, I could catch two hours before I have to get up.  No.  One hour and 50 minutes. 

If Joel did die in the night, I wonder if I could sleep the rest of the one hour and 40 minutes before I called someone.  I’m so tired.  Do any of our expired prescription painkillers contain cocaine or heroine?  I need to find out more about controlled substances.  Google it tomorrow.